Puerto Vallarta, México.  (January, 2022, Part I).

This is going to be difficult.  Repeat after me: “We are not on vacation.”  The budget does not allow for vacation style spending, but restaurants and bars are everywhere.  At least the cheap tourist stores are easy to bypass.

Puerto Vallarta has perfect weather this time of year, mid-80s and sunny. 

Our AirBnb is in the 5 De Diciembre neighborhood, about a block from the southern end of Playa Camarones (Shrimp Beach), a wide, sandy beach not overrun by tourists or restaurants.  Two blocks north is a large grocery store.  Two blocks south is El Centro and the Malecón (promenade/boardwalk). 

Though our street is in a tourist zone (everywhere near a beach is a tourist zone), our neighborhood is not.  Two blocks east from us is light years removed from the tourist zone.  The restaurants are smaller and distinctly local.  Ordinary stores abound.  There is a pharmacy on every other block.

The Malecón runs along the beach the length of El Centro and Zona Romántica.  It is as you would expect, a mile plus long walk of restaurants, bars, clubs, t-shirts, food carts, and tour operators.  A short wall overlooks and beach and ocean, which is a perfect spot to sit and enjoy sunset while listening to classic rock, the music of choice for restaurants and bars.   

A dozen bronze statues are located along the Malecón.  Each is interesting in some way.  Many are pretty cool.  Some are just odd.  You cannot help but stop to admire them.

Parroquia de Nuestra Señora de Guadalupe is Puerto Vallarta’s most prominent Catholic church and a local landmark.  Built in the 1930s and 1940s, it is dedicated to the Virgin Mary.  On top of its bell tower is a very distinctive crown.  Standing 48 feet tall and 31 feet in diameter, the crown represents the Virgin Mary’s crown.  Eight angels are holding it up.  The current crown was installed in 2009, as the prior one was damaged in an earthquake.    

Sidewalks in the tourist areas are fairly wide to accommodate walkers, bikers, restaurant tables, benches, signs, and hustlers selling all sorts of things.  Employees at restaurants and trinket stores don’t really try to get customers.  The tour operators (fishing, snorkeling, whale watching, etc.), however, are professional salesmen. 

My standard practice when solicited is to firmly mutter “no, thanks” and keep walking.  Do not look, never slow down, and never, ever stop. 

Stephanie, on the other hand, has a habit of slowing down to say “not today”.  Tip – not a good response.  “Not today” means maybe, so follow up questions are quickly fired, usually starting with “how long are you here?”  Then she stops to be polite.  Sigh.  I spend a decent amount of time cooling my heels a block or two down the street waiting for Stephanie to get free from tour operators.

Best restaurant sales pitch: “Hey, amigos.  Want to get drunk?”  Short and direct.  Very commendable.  But it was 1:30 PM, so we declined.  A few hours later, who knows?

During the day we continually look for restaurants that appear worthwhile.  Generally that means smaller restaurants away from the beach.  If tourists comprise more than a fourth of the customers, we’ll move on and look elsewhere.  The more locals, the better.

A few interesting restaurant tidbits.  We popped into Pellizcadas, a small restaurant known for its variety of sauces and toppings.  Stephanie asked the server for a Corona.  Okay.  I asked for Tecate.  After thinking it over, our server said no.  So I settled for a Corona.  We then watched as our server ran across the street to a convenience store, grabbed our beers (16 ounce cans), and returned.  Our amusement was not put off by the markup on the beers.  Six tacos, six dollars.  Two beers, six dollars. 

We met a group of folks for dinner at Las Brazzas.  At the end of the meal, each diner was given a White Russian.  Huh?  We just had margaritas, fajitas, and tacos, and now a White Russian?  I drank mine – and Stephanie’s – but still it was unexpected and just plain weird.

For happy hour drinks on the beach one afternoon, we stopped at Burros Bar & Restaurant in Zona Romántica.  (It’s impossible to avoid every tourist place.)  We had a perfect table on the sand and under an umbrella about thirty feet from the surf line.  During the hour we were there, we couldn’t put more than two sentences together without stopping to say “no” to someone selling stuff on the beach. 

If you’re on the beach in Zona Romántica, here is a sampling of what you can expect to be offered for sale.  The common items, with sellers coming by every few minutes, include: bracelets; necklaces; earrings; shrimp on a stick, with limes; oysters on the half shell; and, mangos.

Less frequent offerings, but still typical, with sellers coming by every 10 minutes or so, are: hats; music (guitar players); henna tattoos; hair braiding; tours (fishing, snorkeling, etc.); masks; cigars; wooden carvings (especially whales); key chains; and, your typical beggars with a sad story and a cup.

Rarely, maybe a few times an hour, you will be offered: ice cream bars; t-shirts; flip flops; cover ups; plastic bucket and shovel; umbrellas; sunglasses; drink stirrers; koozies; pipes; blankets; wind chimes; college memorabilia (mostly PAC 12 schools and Ohio State); chessboards; and, table side massages. 

A hustler walked by our table easily every minute or so.  None was pushy, but the constant interruption was annoying.  Next time we are selecting a table farther back from the water line.

One seller made a major miscalculation:

Seller, carrying armloads of silver and turquoise jewelry:  Amigo, how about some lovely jewelry?

Me:  No.  (I quit including “thanks” several hundred sellers earlier.)

Seller:  Buy some and take it home to your mother-in-law.  She will love it.

Stephanie:  She’s dead.

Seller:  Ooooh.  (Sheepishly walks away.)

I was speechless, but not for long.  It was too damn funny not to laugh.

Memphis got several inches of snow and ice twice during our stay in Puerto Vallarta.  Living in a beach community in January sure is rough.

Garrett and Stephanie

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